i opened my bible today. and i am not going to lie. it was the first time in a LONG time. a lot has gone down in my life recently. things that i would have never seen coming. people that once claimed to love me with their whole hearts have betrayed me; stabbed me in the back. people that i don't really even know have been de-faming my name and falsely accusing me of things. people that are so cruel and twisted in their ways have decided that i am not good enough; not worthy. i've been lied to, cheated on, tricked, and had my heart broken all in a matter of a few, short days. and there is nothing i can do about it. that sentence, right there, is the main source of my problems. the main source of my depression, of my tears, of my sorrows.
I , ME, MYSELF, ALYSSA BLAIR CAWTHON,
cannot do anything about it. not a single thing.
i am strong; i have always prided myself in that. life and everything in it has forced me to be that way. or, so i thought. but in reality i am not strong. not strong enough to handle what just happened. i realize, right here and now, that strength is not something you are born with. it's not something that you pat yourself on the back for being. it's not something that you muster up all by yourself. strength is from GOD, and GOD alone. without him, i am NOTHING. i am a minuscule, imperfect, selfish, stubborn, stupid teenage girl, who is not even strong enough to get out of bed in the morning right now. i can't do this on my own anymore; i really can't. i have tried, for months and months. i have ignored god's small tugs on my heart telling me to "turn to him" and that "i can't do this without him", but i am not ignoring them anymore. i am weak, and i am finished with the denying. i am not strong, i am not stable, i am not secure. but god is my strength, my stability, and my security. maybe everything that has happened to me recently is for me to realize i need to stop bragging about my strength, unless i credit god for incredible work he has done in my life. i think god has a funny sense of humor. it's almost as if he was like, "let me see how many things i can pile on top of alyssa until she finally realizes that she NEEDS me; that she is NOT as strong as she claims to be." well, god, you did it. the lost friendships, the immature people of my past, the dysfunctional relationship i found myself in for far too long, the failing college, the multiple health problems, and - the icing on the cake - the cheating boyfriend all made me realize what god has been trying to get across.
I CAN'T DO THIS ON MY OWN.
and thankfully, i finally listened. in my bible, there is a bookmark. just a little ribbon, attached to the binding. i opened it up where it was hidden inside of my bible, and this is what i read:
parts of psalm 55 and 56 in the message.
( i know it's long, but read it. it's incredible. )
"this isn't the neighborhood bully mocking me - i could take that. this isn't a foreign devil spitting invective - could tune that out. it's YOU. we grew up together! YOU! my best friend. i call to god; god will help me. at dusk, dawn, and noon i sigh. deep sighs - he hears; he rescues. my life is well and whole, secure, even in the middle of danger. even while thousands are lined up against me. god hears it all, and from his judges bench, puts them in their place. but, set in their ways, they won't change; they pay him no mind. and this, my best friend, betrayed me. all my life i've been charmed by his speech, never dreaming he'd turn on me. his words, which were music to my ears, turned to daggers in my heart. pile your troubles on god's shoulders - he'll carry your load, he'll help you out. he'll never let good people topple into ruin. take my side, god - i'm getting kicked around. not a day goes by but somebody beats me up; they make it their duty to beat me up. when i get really afraid i come to you in trust. i'm proud to praise god; fearless now, i trust in god. what can mere mortals do? they don't let up - they smear my reputation and huddle to plot my collapse. they gang up, sneak together through the alleys to take me by surprise, wait their chance to get me. but you've kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights, each tear entered in your ledger, each ache written in your book. god, you did everything you promised, and i'm thanking you with all of my heart. you pulled me from the brink of death, my feet from the cliff-edge of doom. now i stroll at leisure with god, in the sunlit fields of life. be good to me, god - and now! i'm hiding under your wings until the hurricane blows over. i call out to high god, the god who holds me together. he sends orders from heaven and saves me, he humiliates those who kick me around. god delivers generous love; he makes good on his word."