i am not a strong person. but my god is a strong god.

i opened my bible today. and i am not going to lie. it was the first time in a LONG time. a lot has gone down in my life recently. things that i would have never seen coming. people that once claimed to love me with their whole hearts have betrayed me; stabbed me in the back. people that i don't really even know have been de-faming my name and falsely accusing me of things. people that are so cruel and twisted in their ways have decided that i am not good enough; not worthy. i've been lied to, cheated on, tricked, and had my heart broken all in a matter of a few, short days. and there is nothing i can do about it. that sentence, right there, is the main source of my problems. the main source of my depression, of my tears, of my sorrows.

I , ME, MYSELF, ALYSSA BLAIR CAWTHON,
cannot do anything about it. not a single thing.  


i am strong; i have always prided myself in that. life and everything in it has forced me to be that way. or, so i thought. but in reality i am not strong. not strong enough to handle what just happened. i realize, right here and now, that strength is not something you are born with. it's not something that you pat yourself on the back for being. it's not something that you muster up all by yourself. strength is from GOD, and GOD alone. without him, i am NOTHING. i am a minuscule, imperfect, selfish, stubborn, stupid teenage girl, who is not even strong enough to get out of bed in the morning right now. i can't do this on my own anymore; i really can't. i have tried, for months and months. i have ignored god's small tugs on my heart telling me to "turn to him" and that "i can't do this without him", but i am not ignoring them anymore. i am weak, and i am finished with the denying. i am not strong, i am not stable, i am not secure. but god is my strength, my stability, and my security.  maybe everything that has happened to me recently is for me to realize i need to stop bragging about my strength, unless i credit god for incredible work he has done in my life. i think god has a funny sense of humor. it's almost as if he was like, "let me see how many things i can pile on top of alyssa until she finally realizes that she NEEDS me; that she is NOT as strong as she claims to be."  well, god, you did it. the lost friendships, the immature people of my past, the dysfunctional relationship i found myself in for far too long, the failing college, the multiple health problems, and - the icing on the cake - the cheating boyfriend all made me realize what god has been trying to get across.

I CAN'T DO THIS ON MY OWN.


and thankfully, i finally listened. in my bible, there is a bookmark. just a little ribbon, attached to the binding. i opened it up where it was hidden inside of my bible, and this is what i read:

parts of psalm 55 and 56 in the message.
( i know it's long, but read it. it's incredible. )

"this isn't the neighborhood bully mocking me - i could take that. this isn't a foreign devil spitting invective - could tune that out. it's YOU. we grew up together! YOU! my best friend. i call to god; god will help me. at dusk, dawn, and noon i sigh. deep sighs - he hears; he rescues. my life is well and whole, secure, even in the middle of danger. even while thousands are lined up against me. god hears it all, and from his judges bench, puts them in their place. but, set in their ways, they won't change; they pay him no mind. and this, my best friend, betrayed me. all my life i've been charmed by his speech, never dreaming he'd turn on me. his words, which were music to my ears, turned to daggers in my heart. pile your troubles on god's shoulders - he'll carry your load, he'll help you out. he'll never let good people topple into ruin. take my side, god - i'm getting kicked around. not a day goes by but somebody beats me up; they make it their duty to beat me up. when i get really afraid i come to you in trust. i'm proud to praise god; fearless now, i trust in god. what can mere mortals do? they don't let up - they smear my reputation and huddle to plot my collapse. they gang up, sneak together through the alleys to take me by surprise, wait their chance to get me. but you've kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights, each tear entered in your ledger, each ache written in your book. god, you did everything you promised, and i'm thanking you with all of my heart. you pulled me from the brink of death, my feet from the cliff-edge of doom. now i stroll at leisure with god, in the sunlit fields of life. be good to me, god - and now! i'm hiding under your wings until the hurricane blows over. i call out to high god, the god who holds me together. he sends orders from heaven and saves me, he humiliates those who kick me around. god delivers generous love; he makes good on his word."

this is one of my favorite excerpts from "escape". (: love it.

"This was once my absolute favorite spot on earth; I thought. I had had many of those - favorite spots - in the past. One had been a tree-house-ship in my backyard. And another had been a specific spot on Sandy Hook that had the whitest, softest sand. James and I had spent years trying to find that spot, and once we did, we never forgot it. But this spot. This one, I would remember for an entirely different reason. It embodied youth, and summer, and the exact way that a windy day in New Jersey could tangle your hair to the point that brushing it out was useless. The tan, leather seats with holes and frazzles seemed to be the most comfortable seats in the world. Not to mention they had heard, and shared more of my secrets than probably anyone else. The crack in the windshield from a pebble that grew larger by the day had began to look more like a work of art than an accident. The camo-print bandana from the football state championship game my sophomore year and a Cranbury High parking tag had seen me cry my eyes out on some occasions, and laugh my guts up on others. The initials "SLR" had been written on the rear-view mirror in eyeliner, and one of my bright-pink pony tail holders hung from the ignition. I loved this Mustang; really, I did. I loved how in the winter, Kaden and I had spent many nights with the top up, like we were in our own personal cave, parked at our park, snuggling to keep warm, though, because we couldn't afford to leave the car running for the heater. Or in the summertime, with a high of seventy-two and a breeze, we would drive around with the top down and sing Journey lyrics until we laughed so hard we had to pull over. I had spent many, many a memory here. Many a kiss. Many a hug. Many an un-wanted goodbye. But perhaps one of the strangest feelings in the world, was sitting in this seat, right now, and not feeling anything at all. Those were memories; past memories, and I didn't think anymore like them were headed our way. Yes, I was going to give him a chance, but the I’m-barely-old-enough-to-drive-this-car-Kaden, and the I’ll-go-wherever-you-take-me-Sam didn’t exist anymore. They had faded like the sun-worn leather seats, became something different. Although they would still hold the same secrets and memories, and even smells, they didn’t feel the same to sit in. They were no longer comfortable."

i feel sick; you were always the best medicine.

"sweet medicine" - jason castro.

i feel a little lost, i feel a little blue.

wish i could dim the lights and find my arms around you.

bury all this space, that keeps two hearts apart.

and for a moment we'll be diamonds in the dark.

cause you've got it, my reason.

my only hope, believe me, love

cause you've got it, i need it 

i can't stay away.

cause you're my sweet, sweet medicine, baby

you're sweet, sweet all of the time.

oh, sweet, sweet medicine save me,

save me tonight, save me tonight.

i pull you close to me, and kiss you in the dark.

it's been so long, but we'll remember where to start.

we'll dance beneath the sheets, and sing a lover's song.

you sing so beautiful, so beautiful you are.

cause you've got it, my reason.

my only hope, believe me, love.

cause you've got it, i need it 

i can't stay away.

cause you're my sweet, sweet medicine, baby

you're sweet, sweet all of the time.

oh, sweet, sweet medicine save me,

save me tonight, save me tonight.

cleaning out my closet.

i found these three documents saved on my notepad, and i felt like i needed to share them; to kind of get them off my plate. their dates are unsure, along with some of the content matter, and even people talked about. but i loved them, none the less. although, i learned something about myself; about my writing. i am only capable of writing about one thing. hurt.

incapable. 

"there was something about the way he touched me; the way he looked at me. i knew better than to stay with him. i knew, although i fought tooth and nail to deny it, that someone else could look and touch me the same way one day. eventually. after much time and meditation, someone else's lips could come to rest against mine. someone else's veins could lie exactly parallel with mine in the moonlight. that the scent of someone else could someday linger on my pillowcase; on my skin, the exact way that his did for that long year. i knew that i would love again. i was not destined for solitude, i would eventually find another. as would he. and i am sure he would love that girl as much as he was capable of loving her. and i would love a different boy all the same. but that is the problem, you see. i would not be capable of loving someone with the intensity and the passion that i loved him. ever."

unreliable. 
"i slowly took my hair down. one bobby-pin at a time. removed my pearl earrings and stripped my eyes of their black mascara. i shed my boots, and my white lace dress hit the floor next. i was alone. but i was used to this. used to planning my nights around an unreliable source. used to bending the rules just for an insignificant chance to talk; to kiss. used to waiting for hours for the screen on my cell phone to flicker a little light; a little hope. music with far-too-relatable lyrics softly flitted through the air. and tears, the same tears i had cried a hundred times, ran down my cheeks and spotted the ground. i was alone. had been alone. for months. but nobody knew it. nobody would have ever suspected i was doing this. torturing myself. trying to hold onto something that i knew couldn't make it past may. something that began to unravel months ago. we were strong, like steel. nothing could stop us. not even their wicked schemes. but the cruel, outside world threw doubts and fears like buckets of water. slowly, but surely, we began to rust. and tonight, the rust felt heavier than normal; thick. as thick as the regretful words that were resting on the tip of my tongue. i saw it coming. really, i did. but i had spent too many daydreams trying to convince myself it was never going to happen. that our steel would never crack, wither, brake. so tonight, i will sleep alone. alone, and unsure. unsure what would have happened. but i will never know. i had to leave. i had to stop the insanity that comes along with waiting for this. waiting… waiting… waiting… no more. goodbye." 

unfamiliar.
"he was italian, there was no doubt about it. his striking features and dark skin sang like the streets of verona. i didn't know what to do as i lay on the concrete staring up at him, knowing that i looked like an utter fool. i felt a sharp pain in my knee cap, and knew immediately i had hurt myself. i blinked a couple of times before i took his outstretched hand. it was rough, course, and so very unfamiliar. something stirred inside of my veins. something that i had not felt in a long time. usually, when i am alone on a summer's day, i think about nothing except him. scenes of the nights we spent alone, doing things we shouldn't have ripped at my memory, and cut at my once innocent mind like scissors. the seamless and beautifully true words that he had spoken a hundred and a half times played themselves back like a broken record. it was painful. it had been painful. up until now. up until this very instant when his deep brown eyes met mine. and his leather-like fingers linked themselves into mine like a perfect puzzle. all of the thoughts of him, good and bad, vanished. is this what i had been waiting for for so long? yet in the same breath, is this what i had been running from for so long? the desire to have another seemed like a hauntingly foreign concept, but i had a strange, enticing feeling that it was exactly what i was looking for."

you cannot undo this action.

when wanting to delete these pictures from my computer, i found the question i was asked to be ironic. "are you sure you want to delete these 279 photos permanently? You cannot undo this action."

so the pictures may be out of my iphoto and off of my facebook for good, but that's just the thing. my mind doesn't have a "delete permanently" button. it has a "wake up every morning and tell yourself you're doing the right thing button." it has a "listen to music about being better off without him" button. it has a "all of these scars are going to make you stronger one day" button. it has a "spend every waking moment completely submersed in other things" button. it has a "you live and you learn" button. it has a "convince yourself there were hundreds of things you didn't like about him button." it has a "try, try, try, try, to forget the happy times" button. but there is no "delete" button in my life. that is not an option that one click of a mouse can solve. i can play break up songs, and yell cuss words, and party with my girls, and make a list of things that i want in a guy, and burn all of his pictures, but at the end of the day, i will always love him, forever remember him, and never delete him, despite everything.

zachary tyler thompson - this one's for you.

i remember the evening we spent at perfect swing together in 2008; you were charming and goofy, and it was the beginning of our friendship. i remember the first time you told me i was beautiful, i still have the text message. i remember in braums when i told chelsea williams i thought i was falling in love with you - that was two years ago today, ironically enough.  i remember the epic night of summer '09 when you assured me you wouldn't fall asleep until i left that awful, drunken party; you didn't. i remember moore war - how could i ever forget it - when you ditched all of the ccs skanks to spend time with me, and held my hand for the first time - i was literally on cloud nine. i remember the time we were laying on my couch after the ou game when we were just "talking", and our lips touched; we didn't kiss, though, you respected my rule. i remember the first time you called me princess; exactly what i was doing, what i was wearing, and who i was with - i loved it so much and to this day i'm not even sure why i did, but it stuck. i remember when you took me to the fair, we weren't even dating yet, and i thought it was the most magical place on earth; only because you held onto me all night and forced me to ride rides i was scared of. i remember the first time you kissed me; at our park in the rain on a cold night in october. i remember all of our late night phone conversations, in which we rambled until 4 a.m. and i told you my dreams, and you told me yours. i remember our christmas together last year in the snow; as different as it was, it was the best christmas of my life. i remember when you told me you loved me, and i thought you were kidding. i remember valentine's day when you took me to build-a-bear, and made me a wolf; when they told me to kiss the heart that was going in your wolf and make a wish, i wished we'd be together forever, actually. i remember the way you smell, and how i took your sweatshirt from you and would sleep with it just so i could smell my zachers - you thought that was sweet, not creepy. i remember every single wednesday night when after church, you would talk to me and kiss me on my front porch, while jono sat in the car for at least thirty minutes. i remember banquet, and how handsome you looked, and how i felt like the luckiest girl in the world to have you on my arm; then i danced my first slow dance with a boy. i remember the exact moment that i realized i didn't want to spend the rest of my life with anybody but you; the night of my cousin's wedding, may 15th, 2010, when i watched kimberly glide across the floor in a big white dress, and you kissed me on the top of my head - people always say "when you know, you know" - well, it's true. i remember the way i felt in your arms; so safe and secure, and more love then i even thought was possible. i remember when you rode your bike to my house in the middle of the night when you got home from florida; white-cheddar cheese-it's and glacier freeze gatorade makes for a wonderful picnic; then we slow danced in my driveway. i remember the night you cried, and said we would never bend the rules again; and we made our list and signed our names. i remember every single one of our inside jokes - the bayou, my frog feets, our growing wolf t-shirt collection, i pinky promise, your weird memory, my "psychic" dreams about us, the shockwave at six flags, the ferris wheel, our wednesday night "dancing lessons", my whisper-singing in the car - there are too many to name, but i credit you with making me laugh harder than anyone on earth. i remember the time i drove to your house one summer's night, and was sad about graduating, and life, and the fear of losing you and you just held me; it was the first night you ever saw me cry. i remember all of the times you told me not to worry about my weight, or the way i looked, because i was your perfect girl, or the girl or your dreams; i knew i wasn't, but it never failed to make me smile. i remember watching fireworks with you, all four times we did this summer, and how you said you loved the way i jumped a little everytime one exploded - i loved the way they reflected and sparkled in your eyes. i remember fishing with you, and how i would always catch more fish; you got jealous, i know it. i remember dallas - almost everyday - the last time everything was perfect; i loved that we fell asleep on the couch together, no makeup, wet hair, and pj's. i remember when i told you about my breast cancer gene, and you started crying, and said you would love me for the rest of my life, regardless of what happened to my body. i remember all of the discussions we had about the future, and where it would take us; from dallas, to nyc, to l.a. - or actually, you said, "wherever your big ol' dreams take me, princess, that's where i'll be."  i remember our one-year anniversary, and how it was sneaky and secret, yet imperfectly perfect; chocolate cake and cran-apple juice on a floral quilt in the back of my car while the rain was pouring.  i remember the time you sang me to sleep; "alright" by darius rucker - you said you would do that every night for the rest of my life because i loved it so very much, and you would even learn how to play the guitar. i remember the "forbidden" night you spent in my dorm; i was sick, and you took care of me, and cuddled with me while i cried during "the notebook" - i wanted that forever. i remember every single night we sat in my car when we weren't supposed to; either in the freezing cold or the burning heat - we didn't care, we were together, even when the rest of the world didn't want us to be. i remember new years, just a few short weeks ago, when you held my hand while we walked through the city and kissed me when the clock struck midnight. i remember the hundreds upon hundreds of times you reassured me that you would fight for me, and love me, and protect me, and be there for me, and kiss my tears away; every single day for the rest of my life no matter what anybody said or did. i remember all of this, and so much more.

but i'm choosing to forget.

i choose to forget.

i have to forget.

(click picture twice to enlarge)

thankyou. you broke my forever.
and also, i would just like to say:
if you don't want something you said to be posted ON the internet, then do not send it VIA internet.

"i'm not ready to make nice." - the dixie chicks.

forgive, sounds good.
forget, i'm not sure i could.
they say time heals everything,
but i'm still waiting.

i'm through with doubt,
there's nothing left for me to figure out.
i've paid a price,
and I'll keep paying.

i'm not ready to make nice,
i'm not ready to back down.
i'm still mad as hell and i don't have time
to go round and round and round,
it's too late to make it right,
i probably wouldn't if i could.
'cause i'm mad as hell, can't bring myself
to do what it is you think i should.

i know you said,
"can't you just get over it?"
it turned my whole world around,
and i kinda like it.

i made my bed and i sleep like a baby,
with no regrets and i don't mind sayin',
it's a sad, sad story when a mother will teach her
daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger.

and how in the world can the words that i said
that they'd write me a letter sayin' that i better
shut up and sing or my life will be over.

i'm not ready to make nice,
i'm not ready to back down.
i'm still mad as hell and i don't have time
to go round and round and round,
it's too late to make it right,
i probably wouldn't if i could.
'cause i'm mad as hell, can't bring myself
to do what it is you think i should.

forgive, sounds good,
forget, i'm not sure i could.
they say time heals everything,
but i'm still waiting.

vive e lascia vivere. - live and let live.

       it is, in fact, 2011. and for anybody that didn't know, that means it's time to start all over. or at least in my case, it is. i want to cut my hair all off, and color it. perhaps finally embrace my pale skin, and stop trying to tan it in an uncomfortable, lighted bed. an unbearably big part of me wants to run away, and never look back. but an even bigger part of me knows that i would indeed look back, and miss what i had left behind... my friends, the ones that have actually stuck around; my momma; my school, despite it's superficialness misplaced priorities; and the boy who, against everyone else's advice and opinions, i am still fighting for on a daily basis.

2010 was not the finest of years for me. it was the end of a lot of things: highschool, a few friendships, cheerleading, my correlation with two particular people who are somewhat vital to my changed relationship status. but this is not about the past, now is it? 2010 came and went, and thank god for that. i made mistakes, too many to even begin to attest for, i messed up, i hurt people, i said the wrong things, and i broke the rules. but it's all behind me. and now it's time for 2011 to bring new opportunities for me to screw up. because i am an eighteen year old, over-dramatic, over-sensitive, insanely stubborn teenage girl. that's what i do. but within every new year, also, come new dreams and possibilities. like the possibility that my finished novel very well could get published. or the dream that i will finally get to stand in the middle of time square and marvel at the wonderful city of new york, new york. or the possibility that for an instant, life will be fair, and the missing piece of my puzzle can finally return.

i hope that 2011 is an incredible roller coaster, and that my life will never be dull and boring for a split second. i want adventure, and friendship, and love, and passion. i want girls nights in bricktown, or anywhere that we can eat for under five dollars, for that matter. i want a kiss on the ferris wheel, or in the middle of a summer thunderstorm. i want to remain madly in love with my prince charming, not find a new one. even if that means it's going to be difficult for us every single day. i want to go on a roadtrip. an actual roadtrip, not just thirty minutes down the road. i want to feel the wind in my hair, and the sun on my face, as cliche and overused as that may be. i want to decorate a christmas tree next year with my wonderful roommates in our quaint little town home. i want to go somewhere exotic and tropical and stick my toes in the sand, and embrace all of the non-oklahoma beauty around me. i want to run a marathon to support breast cancer research, and all of the brave, beautiful survivors. i want to never hold my tongue. ever. i want to say what i want to say, when i want to say it, to whomever i want to say it to. i want to worry less, and start seeing my glass as being a bit more full than i usually do. i want to get a tattoo. preferably on my wrist, maybe something written in italian? i want to read thirty books, and write at least one. and more importantly, i want to be the person that i've always dreamt of being. bold, daring, loving, full of grace and compassion, and not afraid to just live and let live.

i am a work in progress. slow progress, for that matter. i know this year won't be perfect, and i probably will not get everything that i am asking for. and i'm sure i will screw up at every single turn. but i am ready for a change. a change of heart, a change of appearance, a change of scenery, some type of change. nobody is perfect, and life is unfair, but that's what makes it beautiful. and crazy. and downright mad. but at the end of the day, it's life. and there is no stopping it, or adjusting it, or making it go in the direction you want it to go. eventually, we all just have to learn to let go, and embrace whatever fate throws our way. 

2011- i have arrived.