4.24.2011

this is one of my favorite excerpts from "escape". (: love it.


"This was once my absolute favorite spot on earth; I thought. I had had many of those - favorite spots - in the past. One had been a tree-house-ship in my backyard. And another had been a specific spot on Sandy Hook that had the whitest, softest sand. James and I had spent years trying to find that spot, and once we did, we never forgot it. But this spot. This one, I would remember for an entirely different reason. It embodied youth, and summer, and the exact way that a windy day in New Jersey could tangle your hair to the point that brushing it out was useless. The tan, leather seats with holes and frazzles seemed to be the most comfortable seats in the world. Not to mention they had heard, and shared more of my secrets than probably anyone else. The crack in the windshield from a pebble that grew larger by the day had began to look more like a work of art than an accident. The camo-print bandana from the football state championship game my sophomore year and a Cranbury High parking tag had seen me cry my eyes out on some occasions, and laugh my guts up on others. The initials "SLR" had been written on the rear-view mirror in eyeliner, and one of my bright-pink pony tail holders hung from the ignition. I loved this Mustang; really, I did. I loved how in the winter, Kaden and I had spent many nights with the top up, like we were in our own personal cave, parked at our park, snuggling to keep warm, though, because we couldn't afford to leave the car running for the heater. Or in the summertime, with a high of seventy-two and a breeze, we would drive around with the top down and sing Journey lyrics until we laughed so hard we had to pull over. I had spent many, many a memory here. Many a kiss. Many a hug. Many an un-wanted goodbye. But perhaps one of the strangest feelings in the world, was sitting in this seat, right now, and not feeling anything at all. Those were memories; past memories, and I didn't think anymore like them were headed our way. Yes, I was going to give him a chance, but the I’m-barely-old-enough-to-drive-this-car-Kaden, and the I’ll-go-wherever-you-take-me-Sam didn’t exist anymore. They had faded like the sun-worn leather seats, became something different. Although they would still hold the same secrets and memories, and even smells, they didn’t feel the same to sit in. They were no longer comfortable."

4.10.2011

i feel sick; you were always the best medicine.



"sweet medicine" - jason castro.

i feel a little lost, i feel a little blue.
wish i could dim the lights and find my arms around you.
bury all this space, that keeps two hearts apart.
and for a moment we'll be diamonds in the dark.

cause you've got it, my reason.
my only hope, believe me, love
cause you've got it, i need it 
i can't stay away.

cause you're my sweet, sweet medicine, baby
you're sweet, sweet all of the time.
oh, sweet, sweet medicine save me,
save me tonight, save me tonight.

i pull you close to me, and kiss you in the dark.
it's been so long, but we'll remember where to start.
we'll dance beneath the sheets, and sing a lover's song.
you sing so beautiful, so beautiful you are.

cause you've got it, my reason.
my only hope, believe me, love.
cause you've got it, i need it 
i can't stay away.

cause you're my sweet, sweet medicine, baby
you're sweet, sweet all of the time.
oh, sweet, sweet medicine save me,
save me tonight, save me tonight.





4.02.2011

cleaning out my closet.

i found these three documents saved on my notepad, and i felt like i needed to share them; to kind of get them off my plate. their dates are unsure, along with some of the content matter, and even people talked about. but i loved them, none the less. although, i learned something about myself; about my writing. i am only capable of writing about one thing. hurt.








incapable. 


"there was something about the way he touched me; the way he looked at me. i knew better than to stay with him. i knew, although i fought tooth and nail to deny it, that someone else could look and touch me the same way one day. eventually. after much time and meditation, someone else's lips could come to rest against mine. someone else's veins could lie exactly parallel with mine in the moonlight. that the scent of someone else could someday linger on my pillowcase; on my skin, the exact way that his did for that long year. i knew that i would love again. i was not destined for solitude, i would eventually find another. as would he. and i am sure he would love that girl as much as he was capable of loving her. and i would love a different boy all the same. but that is the problem, you see. i would not be capable of loving someone with the intensity and the passion that i loved him. ever."









unreliable. 

"i slowly took my hair down. one bobby-pin at a time. removed my pearl earrings and stripped my eyes of their black mascara. i shed my boots, and my white lace dress hit the floor next. i was alone. but i was used to this. used to planning my nights around an unreliable source. used to bending the rules just for an insignificant chance to talk; to kiss. used to waiting for hours for the screen on my cell phone to flicker a little light; a little hope. music with far-too-relatable lyrics softly flitted through the air. and tears, the same tears i had cried a hundred times, ran down my cheeks and spotted the ground. i was alone. had been alone. for months. but nobody knew it. nobody would have ever suspected i was doing this. torturing myself. trying to hold onto something that i knew couldn't make it past may. something that began to unravel months ago. we were strong, like steel. nothing could stop us. not even their wicked schemes. but the cruel, outside world threw doubts and fears like buckets of water. slowly, but surely, we began to rust. and tonight, the rust felt heavier than normal; thick. as thick as the regretful words that were resting on the tip of my tongue. i saw it coming. really, i did. but i had spent too many daydreams trying to convince myself it was never going to happen. that our steel would never crack, wither, brake. so tonight, i will sleep alone. alone, and unsure. unsure what would have happened. but i will never know. i had to leave. i had to stop the insanity that comes along with waiting for this. waiting… waiting… waiting… no more. goodbye." 




unfamiliar.
"he was italian, there was no doubt about it. his striking features and dark skin sang like the streets of verona. i didn't know what to do as i lay on the concrete staring up at him, knowing that i looked like an utter fool. i felt a sharp pain in my knee cap, and knew immediately i had hurt myself. i blinked a couple of times before i took his outstretched hand. it was rough, course, and so very unfamiliar. something stirred inside of my veins. something that i had not felt in a long time. usually, when i am alone on a summer's day, i think about nothing except him. scenes of the nights we spent alone, doing things we shouldn't have ripped at my memory, and cut at my once innocent mind like scissors. the seamless and beautifully true words that he had spoken a hundred and a half times played themselves back like a broken record. it was painful. it had been painful. up until now. up until this very instant when his deep brown eyes met mine. and his leather-like fingers linked themselves into mine like a perfect puzzle. all of the thoughts of him, good and bad, vanished. is this what i had been waiting for for so long? yet in the same breath, is this what i had been running from for so long? the desire to have another seemed like a hauntingly foreign concept, but i had a strange, enticing feeling that it was exactly what i was looking for."