you cannot undo this action.

when wanting to delete these pictures from my computer, i found the question i was asked to be ironic. "are you sure you want to delete these 279 photos permanently? You cannot undo this action."

so the pictures may be out of my iphoto and off of my facebook for good, but that's just the thing. my mind doesn't have a "delete permanently" button. it has a "wake up every morning and tell yourself you're doing the right thing button." it has a "listen to music about being better off without him" button. it has a "all of these scars are going to make you stronger one day" button. it has a "spend every waking moment completely submersed in other things" button. it has a "you live and you learn" button. it has a "convince yourself there were hundreds of things you didn't like about him button." it has a "try, try, try, try, to forget the happy times" button. but there is no "delete" button in my life. that is not an option that one click of a mouse can solve. i can play break up songs, and yell cuss words, and party with my girls, and make a list of things that i want in a guy, and burn all of his pictures, but at the end of the day, i will always love him, forever remember him, and never delete him, despite everything.


zachary tyler thompson - this one's for you.

i remember the evening we spent at perfect swing together in 2008; you were charming and goofy, and it was the beginning of our friendship. i remember the first time you told me i was beautiful, i still have the text message. i remember in braums when i told chelsea williams i thought i was falling in love with you - that was two years ago today, ironically enough.  i remember the epic night of summer '09 when you assured me you wouldn't fall asleep until i left that awful, drunken party; you didn't. i remember moore war - how could i ever forget it - when you ditched all of the ccs skanks to spend time with me, and held my hand for the first time - i was literally on cloud nine. i remember the time we were laying on my couch after the ou game when we were just "talking", and our lips touched; we didn't kiss, though, you respected my rule. i remember the first time you called me princess; exactly what i was doing, what i was wearing, and who i was with - i loved it so much and to this day i'm not even sure why i did, but it stuck. i remember when you took me to the fair, we weren't even dating yet, and i thought it was the most magical place on earth; only because you held onto me all night and forced me to ride rides i was scared of. i remember the first time you kissed me; at our park in the rain on a cold night in october. i remember all of our late night phone conversations, in which we rambled until 4 a.m. and i told you my dreams, and you told me yours. i remember our christmas together last year in the snow; as different as it was, it was the best christmas of my life. i remember when you told me you loved me, and i thought you were kidding. i remember valentine's day when you took me to build-a-bear, and made me a wolf; when they told me to kiss the heart that was going in your wolf and make a wish, i wished we'd be together forever, actually. i remember the way you smell, and how i took your sweatshirt from you and would sleep with it just so i could smell my zachers - you thought that was sweet, not creepy. i remember every single wednesday night when after church, you would talk to me and kiss me on my front porch, while jono sat in the car for at least thirty minutes. i remember banquet, and how handsome you looked, and how i felt like the luckiest girl in the world to have you on my arm; then i danced my first slow dance with a boy. i remember the exact moment that i realized i didn't want to spend the rest of my life with anybody but you; the night of my cousin's wedding, may 15th, 2010, when i watched kimberly glide across the floor in a big white dress, and you kissed me on the top of my head - people always say "when you know, you know" - well, it's true. i remember the way i felt in your arms; so safe and secure, and more love then i even thought was possible. i remember when you rode your bike to my house in the middle of the night when you got home from florida; white-cheddar cheese-it's and glacier freeze gatorade makes for a wonderful picnic; then we slow danced in my driveway. i remember the night you cried, and said we would never bend the rules again; and we made our list and signed our names. i remember every single one of our inside jokes - the bayou, my frog feets, our growing wolf t-shirt collection, i pinky promise, your weird memory, my "psychic" dreams about us, the shockwave at six flags, the ferris wheel, our wednesday night "dancing lessons", my whisper-singing in the car - there are too many to name, but i credit you with making me laugh harder than anyone on earth. i remember the time i drove to your house one summer's night, and was sad about graduating, and life, and the fear of losing you and you just held me; it was the first night you ever saw me cry. i remember all of the times you told me not to worry about my weight, or the way i looked, because i was your perfect girl, or the girl or your dreams; i knew i wasn't, but it never failed to make me smile. i remember watching fireworks with you, all four times we did this summer, and how you said you loved the way i jumped a little everytime one exploded - i loved the way they reflected and sparkled in your eyes. i remember fishing with you, and how i would always catch more fish; you got jealous, i know it. i remember dallas - almost everyday - the last time everything was perfect; i loved that we fell asleep on the couch together, no makeup, wet hair, and pj's. i remember when i told you about my breast cancer gene, and you started crying, and said you would love me for the rest of my life, regardless of what happened to my body. i remember all of the discussions we had about the future, and where it would take us; from dallas, to nyc, to l.a. - or actually, you said, "wherever your big ol' dreams take me, princess, that's where i'll be."  i remember our one-year anniversary, and how it was sneaky and secret, yet imperfectly perfect; chocolate cake and cran-apple juice on a floral quilt in the back of my car while the rain was pouring.  i remember the time you sang me to sleep; "alright" by darius rucker - you said you would do that every night for the rest of my life because i loved it so very much, and you would even learn how to play the guitar. i remember the "forbidden" night you spent in my dorm; i was sick, and you took care of me, and cuddled with me while i cried during "the notebook" - i wanted that forever. i remember every single night we sat in my car when we weren't supposed to; either in the freezing cold or the burning heat - we didn't care, we were together, even when the rest of the world didn't want us to be. i remember new years, just a few short weeks ago, when you held my hand while we walked through the city and kissed me when the clock struck midnight. i remember the hundreds upon hundreds of times you reassured me that you would fight for me, and love me, and protect me, and be there for me, and kiss my tears away; every single day for the rest of my life no matter what anybody said or did. i remember all of this, and so much more.

but i'm choosing to forget.
i choose to forget.
i have to forget.


(click picture twice to enlarge)

thankyou. you broke my forever.
and also, i would just like to say:
if you don't want something you said to be posted ON the internet, then do not send it VIA internet.