vive e lascia vivere. - live and let live.

       it is, in fact, 2011. and for anybody that didn't know, that means it's time to start all over. or at least in my case, it is. i want to cut my hair all off, and color it. perhaps finally embrace my pale skin, and stop trying to tan it in an uncomfortable, lighted bed. an unbearably big part of me wants to run away, and never look back. but an even bigger part of me knows that i would indeed look back, and miss what i had left behind... my friends, the ones that have actually stuck around; my momma; my school, despite it's superficialness misplaced priorities; and the boy who, against everyone else's advice and opinions, i am still fighting for on a daily basis.

2010 was not the finest of years for me. it was the end of a lot of things: highschool, a few friendships, cheerleading, my correlation with two particular people who are somewhat vital to my changed relationship status. but this is not about the past, now is it? 2010 came and went, and thank god for that. i made mistakes, too many to even begin to attest for, i messed up, i hurt people, i said the wrong things, and i broke the rules. but it's all behind me. and now it's time for 2011 to bring new opportunities for me to screw up. because i am an eighteen year old, over-dramatic, over-sensitive, insanely stubborn teenage girl. that's what i do. but within every new year, also, come new dreams and possibilities. like the possibility that my finished novel very well could get published. or the dream that i will finally get to stand in the middle of time square and marvel at the wonderful city of new york, new york. or the possibility that for an instant, life will be fair, and the missing piece of my puzzle can finally return.

i hope that 2011 is an incredible roller coaster, and that my life will never be dull and boring for a split second. i want adventure, and friendship, and love, and passion. i want girls nights in bricktown, or anywhere that we can eat for under five dollars, for that matter. i want a kiss on the ferris wheel, or in the middle of a summer thunderstorm. i want to remain madly in love with my prince charming, not find a new one. even if that means it's going to be difficult for us every single day. i want to go on a roadtrip. an actual roadtrip, not just thirty minutes down the road. i want to feel the wind in my hair, and the sun on my face, as cliche and overused as that may be. i want to decorate a christmas tree next year with my wonderful roommates in our quaint little town home. i want to go somewhere exotic and tropical and stick my toes in the sand, and embrace all of the non-oklahoma beauty around me. i want to run a marathon to support breast cancer research, and all of the brave, beautiful survivors. i want to never hold my tongue. ever. i want to say what i want to say, when i want to say it, to whomever i want to say it to. i want to worry less, and start seeing my glass as being a bit more full than i usually do. i want to get a tattoo. preferably on my wrist, maybe something written in italian? i want to read thirty books, and write at least one. and more importantly, i want to be the person that i've always dreamt of being. bold, daring, loving, full of grace and compassion, and not afraid to just live and let live.

i am a work in progress. slow progress, for that matter. i know this year won't be perfect, and i probably will not get everything that i am asking for. and i'm sure i will screw up at every single turn. but i am ready for a change. a change of heart, a change of appearance, a change of scenery, some type of change. nobody is perfect, and life is unfair, but that's what makes it beautiful. and crazy. and downright mad. but at the end of the day, it's life. and there is no stopping it, or adjusting it, or making it go in the direction you want it to go. eventually, we all just have to learn to let go, and embrace whatever fate throws our way. 

2011- i have arrived.